Gather round darlings while I you a tell a tale. This story is about a young fabulous guy as he spends a wild and crazy night on a quest for a good times with friends and a hot guy. It’s basically a coming of age story about a cute gay searching for D. Fore warned the tale I’m about to tell you is not for the faint of heart and at times not safe for work. It is definitely rated 18A for copious amounts of alcohol, drugs, sexual content, and fierce bitches. You’ve been warned.
So our story starts out on a warm summer night in the city. The sun is just setting allowing for the muggy air to be overtaken by a gentle summer breeze. The streets are still filled with children playing Pokemon Go, patios are full of day drinkers ordering another pitcher of beer, and an adorable, well browed, flawless guy is getting ready for a night out. (spoiler alert: that guy is me).
So here’s the situation. Every Saturday night my bestie Elias and I paint the town a fabulous shade a cerise (red is so last season). This night in particular was Elias’ friend’s, we’ll call him Jake, birthday. The night consisted of a pre drink and then heading to a club to dance the night away. I’m chilling at Elias’ place with our friend Gingy waiting for Elias to get ready. You know in the Beyoncé song “Partition” how she sings “45 minutes to get all dressed up, and we ain’t even going to make it to this club,” that basically sums up Elias’ life. Every Saturday we sit around drinking listening to Ariana Grande waiting for this queen to get ready. Luckily we run on gay time which means we don’t get to the pre drink till 10:30 and leave for the club until at least 12.
Now at this point more guys show up. We’re all taking shots and having a good time when this guy, whom I’ve met a handful of times begins to describe in vast detail his fissure. Now I’m not sure if you know what a fissure is but to spare you the gory details I advise you to Wiki that shit. It’s honestly a terrifying experience and I would not wish that on anyone. I’m horrified listening to this guy describe his painful butt problems which is basically every bottoms’ worst nightmare. At this point Queen Elias is done prepping and we are ready to head out.
So we get to the Jake’s place which is cute and filled with some decent looking boys. But it dawns on me that I literally know about four people at this party. My social anxiety starts kicking in as I only like to go places where I know about 50% of the people. Luckily I have my good friend vodka to help me be more friendly and tolerate these guys’ conversations of circumcision and hung dicks.
The night is going on and somehow I start talking to this guy, I forget his name but it’s irrelevant. Without sounding shady this guy was old. He was clearly at least 10 years older than all the other party guests. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I do love me a good daddy. However somehow I got stuck on the patio listening to this guy give me life advice. I don’t really recall the gist of what he was saying, mainly because I wasn’t really paying attention. I just nodded my head and agreed. But something along the lines of how I should do things that I’m comfortable with, and his coming out story, blah blah blah. Don’t get me wrong he was nice and it was cool how he was trying to be a mentor and all but was totally killing my vibe. Maybe I was just salty because I could hear all the other guys laughing, dancing, and taking shots, while I was listening to this guy go on about his dinner parties where he brings different groups of friends together. Ugh, and I couldn’t get away. I should have just be like “I have to pee,” and then ghosted, but I guess I was too damn polite. Curse my parents for raising me right. For all you readers out there learn from my mistakes. If you’re ever stuck talking to some guy you’re clearly not into just leave. Make some excuse and go find a hotter guy to flirt with. Some greater power though answered my prayers and it was finally time to head to the club. *Prayer hand emoji*
Okay so in Toronto’s gay village there’s about 4 decent clubs. Crews and Tango, Buddy’s, Fly, and the Black Eagle. Tonight we were going to the Black Eagle. Now I had never been to the Eagle before, but I heard stories. The Black Eagle is the closest thing the village has to a sex club. They have different events raging from the tame Dance Floor Make Out, to fetish night, even naked night. Now me being the shy, innocent, virgin-who-can’t-drive (not really) that I am, I was a little wary of being subjected to this depravity. But as the kids once said, “yolo.”
This night happened to be themed Sin – it’s series of events where each party is one of the seven deadly sins. Not sure which sin was last night, but it should definitely have been Lust. So at first the club seemed like a normal club. Dance music blared from the speakers while hot shirtless guys in harnesses twerked on the dance floor. It wasn’t till the night progressed where I fully understood the namesake of the event. Guys were walking around in jock straps, explicit gay porn was projected on tv screens, and one guy was eating another guy out. I literally saw multiple guys blowing on another on the dance floor. This is the most amount of dicks I’ve seen in my life, not including the pride parade. I went down the rabbit hole and ended up in a debaucherous, fucked up Wonderland.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not kink shaming. If you enjoy hooking up at clubs with other guys around that’s fine. This was just my first time being exposed to this kind of behaviour so I was just taken aback by it.
As the night progressed I’m chilling there with my friends swaying to the music trying not to be totally shocked by the happenings around me. Somehow I lost Elias, and end up with Gingy and some other guys from the pre drink. We head upstairs, which is apparently more messed than the first floor. There is a back room or as I like to call it a sex maze. It’s basically a dark area blocked off with curtains and walls where guys go to have more fun. I wish I could have documented the night with pictures but I think people would have frowned upon by Snapchat flash blinding them as they’re hooking up.
I immediately bolt for the patio for some fresh air. While there I meet this group of guys, who are really nice and adopt me in their group. Somehow I lost Gingy, who was off threeway kissing with these two guys. So now I’m stuck talking to these guys I’ve just met about the Taylor Swift/Kim Kardashian-West beef, and something called Mommie Dearest– I think it’s a movie but it’s before my time. At this point they all decide to get some food. Normally I don’t condone late night snacking, drunk food may be delicious but it does nothing for my abs, but I was willing to forgo the calories.
Somehow on the walk to the food I run into my acquaintance Elina and end up losing the group of friendly strangers. If you’re out there friendly strangers – I don’t remember their names, thanks vodka- thanks for letting me join your group as my other friends ditched me for other activities. I’m sure we’ll meet again on another drunken night in the city.
Now here’s the tea with Elina. She’s Elias’ ex’s friends’ ex. Confusing I know, but she’s basically this adorable girl I’ve met a couple times. So I’m talking to her on the street when her friend Dan – could be Dave, I’m terrible with names- invite me over to enjoy some herbal refreshments. So it’s already late and I kind of just want to head back to Elias’ and crash but Nicki Minaj’s “The Night Is Still Young” plays in my head and I agree to go with them. So we all head back to their AirBNB and enjoy a nightcap of sorts. At this point it’s 2 a.m. which officially makes it the Golden Hour. In gay world the golden hour is that peak time after the club closes and everyone’s getting their drunk food. It’s the time where guys who haven’t found anyone drastically search for a late night hookup. So Dan and I are sitting there ferociously going through Grindr trying to find a hot guy to spend the night with. I feel bad that we were basically ignoring Elina and scrolling through our phones, but it was a long night and I was hella thirsty. Alas though none of my Grindr potentials were panning out and it was well past three and I needed to head back. So I bid Elina and Dan ado and head back to Elias’ a little butthurt I never got to kiss a cute boy.
Back at Elias’ I accept defeat and start prepping for bed. As I lie there watching Cinderella on Netlfix I get a notification on my phone. This was it! The guy who I’ve spent the last couple months messaging finally invited me over. YAAAS.
I started getting ready to head out again, but it seems but stomach had other plans. I had a terrible pain in my stomach which threw a wrench in my late night adventure. Damn you vodka, I thought we were friends. As anyone will tell you there’s no point hooking up when you’re singing into the porcelain throne.
So I had to bail on my gentleman caller and finally put my head down to sleep. The night was officially over.
And there you have it kiddos, my wild and crazy night where I learned about fissures, got life advice from a stranger, went to a sex party and debated Kim Kardashian-West’s queen status, smoked up, and almost got dick. It was quite a night. One day I will tell my grandkids this story as they fall asleep. I hope that Zayn Malik or Avan Jogia play me in the movie adaptation. The moral of the story is that even though I never found a guy to hook up with I still had fun. Sometimes you have to let go of your inhibitions and step out of your comfort zone. I don’t see myself going to any sex parties in the near future, but I’m glad I tried something new. Also it’s nice to just go with the flow and let the night take you. You never know what adventures you might get into. Thanks for reading this incredibly long tale, and come back for more stories of my hot mess of a life. Muah.